Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?