Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
