Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them