Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I like long walks away from everyone
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Oh thanks BBC.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound