Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
peak technology
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I’m aging like a fine banana
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?