Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
🤣🤣🤣
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is