Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
hand it over!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*