Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

Meow?

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol