Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
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My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Truth
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”