Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.