Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

let’s discuss

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?