Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
