Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming