Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you breakdance you buy dance.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.