Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed