Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.