Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

i’m gonna allow it

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.