Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

My friend is an excellent librarian.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.