Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
step 6: release the wall snake
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word