Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

Imma just leave this here…………

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

“I’m helping” 😅

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.