Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
#parenting
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot