last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.