last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
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I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Watermelon Boss!
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.