Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”