Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I know karate and tons of other words.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what