Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Bed should get ready for ME
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*