Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
sry
