Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler