Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
