Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Anarchy
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
