Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Tastes like chicken.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
