I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?