Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

how was your vacation

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails