Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?