Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that