Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location