Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

me at the job i begged god for

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

😭😭

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.