My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
adding to the discourse
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
that wasn’t the question
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…