Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
That lamp looks PISSED.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.