Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
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What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work