Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
when you order from DoorDastardly
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
This poor dog
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about