Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Don’t tell me what to do

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers