Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

canadian assassins are called killergrams

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.