Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
You Might Also Like
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda