Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
#StillHurts
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
