Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
The game has officially changed 😎
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
