@HatfieldAnne: I'm no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

@seamussaid: my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@platinum2000: *Pays bills* *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@Terdoh: How dare you complain about your life? Someone's mom is Snooki.

@summerofbenny: I have a huge gash in my forehead. I'm going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.