@TimmySeiler: Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

@metickleu: Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

@TheHyyyype: [picking her up for a date] ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage HER: really? ME: yes, but the parents haven't realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

@KarenReneK: Me: Jesus, are these... are these claw marks in the sand? Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

@fritterfatboy: Him: can we just go back to how it used to be? Her: awww. Like the day we met? Him: No, before that.