@TimmySeiler: Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
@metickleu: Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
@TheHyyyype: [picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven't realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
@KarenReneK: Me: Jesus, are these... are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
@fritterfatboy: Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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