Ummm
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Pot warmers of the day.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats