Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
You Might Also Like
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
#Caturday
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.