Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

Me buying fruit and veg