Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Eat…
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy