Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

that would 100% work on me

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

All food is good if you spell it wrong