Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
hmmm
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
fixed it
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away