Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
You Might Also Like
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Strange
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.