Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

you have three unread messages