last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
You Might Also Like
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
greetings!
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.