last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If a snake ate a cake
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.