last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Breaking news:
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.