Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

I thought this was funny lol

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

This fish is cracking me up

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no