Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

This made me chuckle.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.