last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
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[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks