last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
You Might Also Like
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice