Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

😝

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

[Infomercial]
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

just gave your address to some spiders

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest