Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.