Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

X-tra spooky blend

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

Huge if true.

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.