“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You Might Also Like
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear