“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
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Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me, in DM rooms…
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.