Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
screw you
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Alexa turn off the planet
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.