Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You Might Also Like
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My Plans 2020
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Life cycle of cat
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
my sentiments exactly
This is Sparta
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.