Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”