Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.