last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.