Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”