Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”